What's Up Lately

 What's Up Lately (like the actual one not me being distracted)

I've struggled with depression for years. It peaked in my tween years... and has been less of a struggle since I was fourteen, I think.

Lately, that's been changing. I've found things to be even worse than they were. My diagnosis for this negative turn: I'm finally understanding what makes me feel the way I do. Not completely. I know there are plenty of mysteries that keep me up at night. But I understand enough to make it hurt more. Feeling lonely turns into feeling abandoned. Anger leads to bitterness or resentment. It's like things that make me hurt make me hate. And that's no way for me to live, especially as a Christian that loves the Lord.

So... what now?

Yes, this is AI art ;)

Easy. God. If I don't know where to look, it's almost certainly because I should be looking up. I remind myself every. Single. Day. And I still forget. Sometimes I will be moping around with nothing else to do and I still won't remember.

I do think that is part of being human. Forgetfulness. Unfaithfulness, even when he never forgets about us.

Wow. We're the backstabbers here. Y'know, one way I've found that has pointed me towards God is leaving reminders for myself.

I have a short story that's sort've my "inside joke" with God. I'll admit I couldn't stop laughing. I imagine God was laughing with me. Allow me to share:

So one night before bed I was reading through a passage in Job. This is often where I'll go when I feel depressed. I will sometimes write messages to myself for the next time I come across this passage, perhaps feeling the same emotions.

I was doing this, and as I put my Bible away to go to bed, I realized I had lost my pen. I couldn't find it anywhere, and after tearing my bed apart, I gave up and went to bed.

The next day, I put off reading the Bible in the morning. It was Saturday - "lazy day". There would be time later.

BAD IDEA.

I was working on one of my music videos. I had gotten halfway finished with it and had forgotten to save when it crashed. I was so upset I retreated to my room to cry alone because I get very worked up about these things. Judge all you want lol. Anyways... I see that, as it was "lazy day", I had not set my bed yet. So I do. And what do I find?

That pen.

I wasn't annoyed that I hadn't found it earlier. Actually, I cracked up. It was the funniest thing -  God was telling me to stop feeling bad for myself and spend time with him. Now, whenever I see that pen, I'll smile up to Him and say, "ok, I will."

This is maybe a silly example. But moments like these come from God. He knows that we're forgetful -  don't forget that. But it's not impossible. Do you know how I know?

Jesus was just as human as I am.

So maybe it's not part of being human. No, that's our sinful nature. Pushing God aside. Adam and Eve didn't forget God had told them to stay away from the forbidden fruit. Nah. They just didn't want to. But we can want to. If what we fix our eyes on is God-focused, the reult will be, too. It's as simple as that.

Easier said than done. But maybe this is your sign to put up a few, well, a few signs. Remind yourself to fix your eyes. You've got one goal - and he's not forward. He's up. ^

-God's Grace ☕🤎🤟🌻