Psalms 23

 I've had panic attacks before. Actually, just this last week I had the opportunity to learn how inhalers work.

This wasn't that.

I've been feeling down for a few weeks, actually---but these last couple of days, off and on, have hit hard. As we were driving home from my grandparent's house, I almost lost it. I had never felt so hopeless before. I had a moment of "why am I even alive right now". All of this feels a bit dramatic for what I am currently facing, but it is one of my most challenging storms yet. If not the most challenging.

And I almost couldn't take it anymore.

But it passed. I tried really hard to divert my thoughts. Where did they go? Straight to today's sermon. Hopelessness at the current state of the world. That was part of the sermon. Actually, that was a sign of spiritual slumber. Well, I have my diagnosis, don't I? I've been spiritually slumbering. That's why this hurts so bad right now. I'm trusting in things that bring me more hurt and pain. It's not going well, I can assure you.

I have the pressures of needing to be constantly "there" at home. People always expect me to be active and talkative with them. I can't always be that. I don't need to be that. Even Jesus took time away from those that he cared for to spend time with his Father. I need to be doing the same. It's more than reading the Bible, looking for the next thing on my to-do list. It's about pursuit. He pursues us, and we can't possibly outrun him. But how can we see the look on his face, the loving expression, the outheld arms as he follows us through the storms... if our backs are turned?

We need to be pursing him back. Running to his outstretched arms.

While I was dwelling in this moment of pain and searing hopelessness, realizing I would be trapped behind a mask the rest of my life, I searched across my desk, which I've covered in Bible verses, for one bearing comfort.

I found one. I know God had me put this there for this moment. It was exactly the comfort I needed, and also, the conviction.

Psalm 23

A psalm of David.

1 The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
2     He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
3     he refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths
    for his name’s sake.
4 Even though I walk
    through the darkest valley,[a]
I will fear no evil,
    for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
    they comfort me.

5 You prepare a table before me
    in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
    my cup overflows.
6 Surely your goodness and love will follow me
    all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord
    forever.